


do you love him?

by lgbtminkey (betamax524)



Category: SHINee
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, M/M, except its gay, inspired by the tell me what to do mv, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 06:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12359838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betamax524/pseuds/lgbtminkey
Summary: maybe in another life, kibum would love minho. maybe in a world that wasn’t empty and hopeless, maybe in a world where they met without the scars, maybe in a world where kibum still had love to give.maybe in another life, kibum wouldn’t be so afraid.





	do you love him?

**Author's Note:**

> im on twitter as @lgbtminkey hmu if u like minkey too ^^

in hindsight, kibum should have expected this.

minho is kind and caring, his voice gentle, his hands warm. he’s almost like something out of those old books kibum reads sometimes, a beautiful prince blessed by fairies and gods.  
  
he’s everything kibum isn’t.  
  
it’s no surprise when he catches taemin watching minho lovingly, holding on to his every word as if it were a treasure. and yet, he still feels sick in his stomach, like thorns twisting inside him and choking him.  
  
and when minho reaches across the makeshift table to wipe a stray grain of rice from kibum’s mouth, kibum doesn’t miss the way taemin’s stare falters, the split second before he molds his face into an agreeable half-smile.  
  
_you love him_ , jinki says once, his voice strong but his eyes tired.  _why can’t you just admit it to yourself?_  
  
_there’s no such thing as love anymore_ , kibum replies, and he doesn’t even care about how pretentious he sounds, because at this point it’s true. the world is rotting before their very eyes, and kibum knows better than to set himself up for nothing but pain.  
  
(that night, when minho asks him if it hurts, his voice gentle like it always is, kibum shakes his head and says  _you could never hurt me._  
  
minho smiles sadly and kisses kibum’s forehead, the words  _you hurt yourself enough for the both of us_ going unsaid.)  
  
taemin is oddly silent the next few days, and whenever kibum gets a glimpse of his face, it’s plastered with the same false smile as before.  
  
_you’re making this hard for him_ , jonghyun says once, his frustration clear in his voice. he’d always been a romantic, sensitive and idealistic.  
  
kibum closes his eyes. he thinks of the way minho holds him when the sunlight streams through their broken windows, thinks of how minho cups his face in his hands like it’s a treasure.  
  
_taemin can do what he wants_ , he says when he opens his eyes.  _minho and i are just friends._  
  
_liar_ , jonghyun says, and before kibum can say anything, jonghyun turns around and walks down the stairs, each step echoing through the narrow halls. kibum breathes in, and ignores the piercing ache in his chest.

***

the next day, he’s on his way up the stairs to his regular hideout, only to find minho there, sitting on the empty windowsill, a cigarette in his mouth.  
  
_i thought you quit smoking_ , kibum says, walking casually towards him.  
  
minho looks at him, and kibum’s breath hitches in his throat. sometimes he wishes he didn’t know minho as well as he did. there’s pain and regret clear in minho’s eyes, only the corners of his mouth curved up, faking a smile.  
  
_i guess you thought wrong_ , minho says softly.  
  
kibum looks away.  
  
_taemin talked to me earlier_ , minho continues, squinting out at the sky.  _he asked about us_.  
  
_what did you say?_ kibum asks, even if he knows the answer.  
  
_the truth, of course_ , minho says, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and looking at kibum again.  _there’s nothing going on between us._  
  
kibum stares at him, watching the way sun seems to glow when it hits minho’s skin, watching how his eyes turn into a golden caramel brown in the sunlight.  
  
he takes the cigarette from minho’s hand, and leans forward to kiss him.  
  
the kiss tastes like nicotine and smoke, and when kibum pushes forward, minho lets him, like he always does. next thing he knows, minho’s making his way down his neck, their heavy breathing the only sounds in the room, until kibum hears a shuffling sound.  
  
he opens his eyes, and taemin is there by the door, gaping in shock.  
  
and then he’s gone.  
  
_is something wrong?_ minho asks, peering up at him through his long lashes. kibum blinks once, twice, and shakes his head.  
  
_guess i was just seeing things_. he says with a shrug, and kisses minho again.  
  
(at dinner he keeps his coat fully buttoned to hide the bruises purpling on his neck, and if taemin looks at him weirdly, kibum convinces himself it’s just his imagination. after all, there’s no way taemin really saw them…   
  
right?)

***

kibum doesn’t understand why they still bother throwing parties when it’s just the five of them, but he doesn’t mind an excuse to shamelessly drink out of a bottle of beer and laugh obnoxiously at whatever silly joke jinki has for them.  
  
minho’s body is literally shaking from laughter, and he leans against kibum almost instinctively, and kibum lets him. the others are too drunk to notice anyways, and soon kibum finds himself laughing hysterically as well at some offhand comment jonghyun makes.  
  
and then someone fires a gun.  
  
(kibum doesn’t realize something’s happened until jonghyun screams, and he sees taemin crumple to the ground, a gun in his hands.)  
  
(he doesn’t realize he was the target until he turns to find the bullet in the wall next to his head.)  
  
everything happens a little too fast after that, especially with 3 bottles of beer in his system. somehow they all end up outside, and the chilly air makes him wrap his coat tighter around himself, wobbling on his feet. the only thing he understands out of all the shouting is minho looking pointedly at him and reaching his hand.  
  
nauseous, confused, and with a pounding headache, kibum takes his hand and finds himself being led inside their only car. as minho starts the engine, he closes his eyes.

***

(kibum doesn’t dream much, but when he does, he finds himself replaying the same dream over and over again.  
  
in this dream, minho is smiling at him, wearing a suit he’s only seen in old magazines. he’s holding kibum’s hands tightly, looking at him as if he’s waiting for kibum to say something.  
  
and every time kibum opens his mouth to say something, he wakes up in a cold sweat, heart pounding in between his ears.)  
  
when kibum opens his eyes, the car’s still moving, the wind whipping at his face. he groans, pushing his hair out of his face.  
  
_you’re awake_ , minho says.  
  
_how long have you been driving?_ kibum asks. minho’s shakes his head and sighs, the leather of the steering wheel squeaking when he adjusts his hands.  _we should stop for the night_ , kibum says, laying a hand on minho’s shoulder.  
  
_you’re right_ , minho says, and he makes a right turn into an abandoned lot. they shuffle out the car, kibum still a little wobbly, but minho’s somehow right there to steady him, and kibum offers him a weak smile as thanks.  
  
_how long was i asleep?_ he asks, moving to sit on the hood of the car.  
  
_not that long_ , minho answers, sitting beside him, bringing out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. as he lights one, kibum looks up at the sky.  
  
the stars seem to be brighter tonight, he thinks, or it could just be that he hasn’t really looked up at the stars for a long time. he closes his eyes and breathes in the crisp night air, breathes in the smoke from minho’s cigarette.  _are you mad at taemin?_ he asks.  
  
(even with his eyes closed, he can count the number of breaths minho takes before he sighs and answers.)  
  
_of course i am_ , he says, sounding resigned.  
  
_don’t be_ , kibum replies, opening his eyes to look at minho.  
  
_he was aiming at you_ , minho says softly. kibum’s reply dies in his throat when he sees just how tired minho looks. minho sighs again, his shoulders heaving dramatically, and then he lets out a bitter laugh.  _sometimes i feel like i care too much about someone who doesn’t care about himself._  
  
when minho turns to look at him, there are tears building in his eyes that kibum can’t ignore, but still, it’s as if he’s paralyzed, and he can only watch as minho shakes his head and stubs out his cigarette on the car’s hood.  
  
that ugly twisting in his gut is back again, except this time he can’t ignore it, the thorns threatening to burst out his throat any second. he watches minho watch the stars, watches the rise and fall of his chest, watches the way minho plays with his lighter, flicking it open and closed, open and closed.  
  
kibum watches him, and with every second that passes, the thorns in his throat twist and turn, and he feels like he’s about to throw up.  
  
(if only he was a little braver, kibum thinks. if only he wasn’t so scared, if only they met at a better time… if only, if only, if only…)  
  
_i love you_ , kibum thinks, but the words can’t seem to make it past the thorns in his throat.  _i love you, i love you, i love you_ , it repeats like a mantra in his head, but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t seem to tell minho the truth. the painful, terrifying truth.  
  
so instead he reaches out , takes minho’s lighter from him, and leans forward to kiss him. and as always, minho lets him, pulling him closer. their kiss tastes like tears and alcohol, but kibum doesn’t mind.  
  
the open lighter falls to the ground, flame burning brightly.

***

(maybe in another life, kibum would love minho. maybe in a world that wasn’t empty and hopeless, maybe in a world where they met without the scars, maybe in a world where kibum still had love to give.)  
  
(maybe in another life, kibum wouldn’t be so afraid.)  
  


 

_end._


End file.
